First Comes Love
This documentis a summary of the only book out there by a LDS author on how to prepare for marriage….The book is called “First Comes Love”…you can buy the book or the book on 5 cd’s…I contacted the author and he said that I can distribute the summary to as many people as I can. I would suggest e-mailing this document or the attatchment to as many people as you can because it is information that will benefit anyone who reads it. I would recommend investing on LDS books on tape or cd, although the Family Home Evening recource guide & the scriptures is a good source for information to lifes daily decisions (I am going to try harder to study to show that I really care about the gospel)…also make sure you are an expert on the new and evelasting covenant of marriage before you get married in the temple...If you have any questions about nutrition, exercise(based on the teachings of the LDS church) or for summaries of other other lds books...you can email me at ask_nate@myway.com I would recommend using myway.com for free email because there are no suggestive pop-up ads as compared to yahoo or hotmail.
No other success can compensate for failure in the home. An apostle of the Lord stated the most important single thing that any latter day saint ever does in this world is to marry the person in the right place by the right authority. This quote has been repeated in church manuals over the years. Gordon B. Hinckley said to university students…the most important step you have made or will make in your life is marriage…its consequences are many…so important and so everlasting..no other decision will have such tremendous consequences for the future. Marriage and family life are what an LDS lifestyle is all about. The highest of earthly opportunities and priorities should be centered in your home and family relations. A news reporter asked Gordon B. Hinckley what his biggest concern for the church was…he said “we have wonderful people, but we have too many whose families are falling apart..it is a matter of serious concern..I think it is my most serious concern. Spencer W. Kimball declared, “In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most carefull planning, and thinking, and praying and fasting should be done, to be sure that of all the decisions, this one must not be wrong.
Our worldly environment…we must protect ourselves against the destructive influences of the world by keeping all of the commandments.
Preparation for marriage….
We must take the responsibility of preparing ourselves for the responsibilities that will come after marriage. The norm of our day is to look at damage control rather than prevention. Wouldn’t it make more sense to prevent marital problems before they happen. An ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure. There are many things you can do to increase the chances of a successful marriage. You can have a wonderful marriage if you are better prepared for this new adventure. When we break our marriage covenants, we disappoint our heavenly father. Think of it from this perspective…If you have come from a difficult background: abuse, neglect, poor parental modeling, a broken home….membership in the church brings you a new parent…Jesus Christ. You became one of his sons and daughters at baptism…because he was perfect..you may substitute his example and teachings for whatever in your life did not measure up to what you want to become. Our goal is to plan, prepare and realisticly anticipate what marriage will require of you. As a single man or woman, it is important that you examine your motives for marrying and look carefully at your marital readiness, as well as the readiness of the person you are considering as a spouse. Hopefully this information will motivate you to prepare for the most important decision you will ever make in life. The success of your marital oddesy requires that you both are committed to eachother and to the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ. You will be teachers of these precepts of eternal life to your children by instruction and by example. The Lord needs you to model gospel tenets, so your children see the fruits of faithful observance of Gods commandments. The first principle of effective parenting is to build a strong marriage so your children can observe healthy interactions. Stable parents tend to raise stable children. The are no perfect marriages, but when parents love eachother and that love is extended to each child, the youngsters of that couple or more apt to adopt the values and behavioral standards of their parents.
Considering the enormous importance of marriage…it is rather astonishing that we don’t make better preparation for its success. Usaually young couples date for a few months or a year or two, enjoying romance and getting aqainted, but once they are marriage they realize that romance must blend with spiritual beliefs, inlaw relationships, money issues and serious discussions involving ethics children and the running of the home. Too many people are inadequately prepared for this loftly responsibility. Many parents do not prepare their children for marriage(the single most important event of their lives) What is the reason parents neglect preparing their children for marriage. One of the reasons why marriages are failing is because we have largely become a society of selfish individuals…it seems that so many people these days are concerned w/possessions and portfolios than they are with improving their family relationships. President Spencer W. Kimball warned latter-day saints in a profound address entitled “the false gods we worship” he cautioned the saints of the 70’s to beware of pride and selfishness…in fact he said that, we are, on the whole, an idolatrous people, a condition most repugnant to the Lord. How much more would his diagnosis fit our current society. Ultimately, the selfishness that comes from idolatry, destroys civilizations, but it does not begin at that global level. Initially selfishness originates in the individual heart and then moves to attack relationships. Selfishness destroys families. Because of selfishness, we are not protected from the destructive influences of the world. On another occasion President Kimball declared that every divorce is the result of selfishness on the part of one or the other or both parties to a marriage contract. The seeds of marital destruction through selfishness are planted long before marriage. Jeffry R. Holland said, “You can change anything you want to change, and you can do it very fast” You just have to be willing to pay the price. We can repent of things we do wrong, and we must spend the rest of our lives proving that we are truly repentant. Change, growth, renewal and repentance can become a reality if you educate yourself and keep all of the commandments. Many people take no thought for the morrow when it comes to preparing for marriage. It seems that most young couples spend more time planning their wedding that planning for marriage. During the engagement period some individuals overlook the faults or bad habits of the person they are dating. The point is that there are many topics that need your attention during this important transition from dating partners to more serious companions planning for marriage. A carefull look at strengths and weaknesses is needed during this period. If we prepare ourselves properly before marriage and continue to learn from eachother after marriage we can accomplished the purposed for which it was divinely instituted. Awareness of eternity affects our decisions. If we live in such a way that the considerations of eternity press upon us we will make better decisions. We all go through life with a limited perspective. Often we neither see nor comprehend the entire picture. We should pay closer attention to eternity. Having an eternal perspective is critical if we want to endure to the end. An eternal perspective will help us to successfully navigate our way safely through dating and courtship. Many people approach courtship from a short sided perspective. They do not take into account the weightier matters of eternity. In fact many individual cannot see how their decisions now will impact their lives next month, much less what will take place four or five years down the road. You must expand your vision and ask yourself…how will marrying this person impact my life.
Keeping an eternal perspective while dating. If your focus is on marriage in this life and eternal life, then you would certainly not date people that have lower standards than you. You would not date those who would be poor parents to your children or those who have no interest in being faithfull and commited members of the church. An eternal perspective helps keep priorities in line during our dating and engagement period. The greatest lesson I have learned about having an eternal perspective is to try to see the person as God must see them. To see them for not only who they are right now, but who they can become. To see their potential and possibilities and then do all you can to help them to reach their potential as they assist you to reach the same goal. Cardinal traits such as kindness, consideration, empathy, commitment, spirituality, selflessness, and humility are paramount in marriage relationships and they are portable…you can take them with you in the next life. The family proclamation to the world states that successful marriages are built on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. These traits are the foundation stones of healthy relationships. There is no mention in the proclamation about looks, popularity, or wealth. President Hinckley stated…I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort or well being of ones companion. Spiritual and emotional strengths become even more important as we age together and find that are bodies are after all….mortal. The virues acknowledged by the Lord and his prophets: Faith, forgiveness, selflessness, should be present first in your own life, that is, you should be anxiously engaged in improving yourself in these areas rather than searching desperately for someone else you think posses them. You should also seek out members of the opposite sex who have healthy character traits and who are working to improve them. There is a scripture that says…intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence…wisdom recieveth wisdom..truth embraceth truth..virtue loveth virtue…light cleaveth unto light…if you love the truth…you will be attracted to women who love the truth…If you are a person who loveth truth and virtue..then go out and find a companion who loveth truth and virtue…the new and everlasting covenant of marriage…choose who you date carefully…date only those worthy of a temple recommend?...dating only those who will help you to get to the highest kingdom are my priority…each night as you kneel in prayer and report your stewardship to a loving heavenly father you will maintain your eternal perspective. You must keep your heart pure and clean, then the Holy Ghost will be able to influence you and guide your life. It is critical that we have the spirit w/us. It is essential that we live clean life so that the holy ghost can be our constant companion. Having an eternal perspective will help you to effectively prepare for marriage. Write down what you want to do with your life after you get married. Instead of spending all your time romancing…focus on things that will strengthen your relationsip…(e.g. make it more of an informational relationship versus a emotional relationship) The engagement period is a good time to discuss mutual goals..dreams and aspirations…you need to consider careers..you need to focus on helping and serving those around you so you do not become to absorbed w/eachother. Discuss how you will raise your future children..share your parenting beliefs and philosophies…Engaged couples should work on developing strong character values and habits such as those listed in the proclamation. Focus on implementing those attributes suggested in the Family proclamation to the world, then strive to incorporate these priniciples into your relationships. Discuss important character traits before you get married. Your marriage is too important to be treated so trival…who you marry and how you decide to live after marriage are the most vital choices you will ever make.
Keeping an eternal perspective in marriage…members of the church have the obligation to build ideal homes and to rear exemplary families…when you are married you are commited to eachother and God for eternitiy…an eternal perspective assists couples that there will be problems…that there will be struggles.. keeping our sacred covenants and promises that we make with God and our spouse is the most crucial aspect of our lives. Being the right person after the ceremony is just as critical as finding the right person after the ceremony. There are too many people today who do not understand the serious nature of covenants and commitments to God. When it comes right down to it our quest is to gain eternal life through living the gospel…the key element of that quest being marriage and family..When we are stripped of all that we have..the only important things to us will be our faith and our relationships with our loved ones…accordingly we should prepare to that end..some of the most important things in this life are God, Family, home, and friends. So when you begin marriage…begin w/the end in mind..Success in marriage is not so much dependant on finding the right person as being the right person…important areas to work on are spirituality, personality, gospel commitment, successful mission, hobbies, character, ability to manage money, etc. In selecting an eternal companion, you might be wise to focus on refining the attributes that you have to offer someone else..traits over which you have some direct control…elder neal a. Maxwell emphasized maintaining a focus on improving yourself when he declared if the choice is between reforming other church members, including feonsias, spouses, or children, or ourselves, is there really any question as to where we should begin? The key is to have our eyes wide open to our own faults and partially closed to the faults of others. The only real value of compiling a list of desired attributes in a companion is so you will know what to look for in yourself. Each of you posseses core values and standards that constitutes your beliefs, those beliefs affect your behavior, in fact, if they are positive, they can put you on the proper path to meet someone else w/ similar beliefs and values, a path that leads to the celestial kingdom. It is too late to get on the path once you are engaged or even after you are married, you should get on the path when you are baptized, and stay the course through your childhood, teenage years, young adult years, engagement, and certainly your married years. During the dating period, you are merely seeking out those on the same path and who are going the same direction as you are. Specifically you are searching for a marriage partner who will help you stay on the Lords path and who is anxious to walk beside you. President Hinckley suggested that if a man wants to be worthy of the girl he marries he should incorporate specific virtues: be absolutely loyal, your prospective wife can expect you to come to the marriage alter absolutely clean, she can expect you to be a young man of virtue in thought and word and deed.(no pornography..it is as destructive as a disease); live the word of wisdom, avoid profanity(no euphemisms or racial slurs, vulgar or crude lang. don’t take the name of our Lord in vain), learn to control my temper, work for an education(education is the key to economic opportunity), be modest in you wants(define a budget to avoid debt), encourage your wife to be your best, love the lord and seek to do his will, go forth with a spirit of unselfishness, keep a desire to keep the commandments, such behavior will add happiness to your life, be married in the temple, prepare to become a righteous father. Think seriously about your own marriage preparation. Can can control your destiny…you can make wise choices now. You can take charge of every area of your life. You have the ability to choose and internalize each of these principles to improve your life. “base you decisions on principles…seek out true principles” How can you best find your eternal companion?..develop certain traits in yourself…examine your own life and determine the areas that need improvement & refinement. Jesus increased in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man. Jesus prepared himself in four key areas…intellect…education…wisdom….physical and mental health …stature…spirituality…favor w/God…and social abilities(favor w/man) Seek to improve your life in these areas.
Jesus was proactive in improving his personal characteristics.
1. identify the areas that you need to work on(weaknesses…educate yourself, then you will see what you need to work on)
2. set goals then actively do what we need to do to ensure that our goals come to fruition.
If we neglect improving ourselves in any of these areas, we can become unstable. What can we do to become stable individuals.
Intellect
Education-an important aspect of personal development(e.g. be compensated well for work) the level of education you attain will have direct bearing on what type of job you will qualify for. Prepare to render service with our minds and hands. Ask yourself…how am I doing in the area of intellectual growth? Is education important to me? What kind of grades do I typically make? Are they sufficiently high for me to obtain a good job or be admitted to graduate school. What about my study habits? (what smart students know) Do I study on a regular and consistant basis or are my study habits erratic or non-existance. If education is not important to me, then I can’t expect to marry someone who does value it. Research has shown that the more similar the couples education, the more compatible they are in marriage. The rate of divorce is highest among those who view education differently. Intellect and education are not limited however to a university setting. (people who are lifelong learners will be the most stable) Seek learning out of the best books and from lifes experiences(get to know other people and think about their attitude) As we become more educated, we will become more interested in life, and interested in others. Will you create an atmosphere of learning in the home, or will you be influenced by the media which expresses is a destructive influence. (tv is passive, focus on improving your life in the areas mentioned before…what you do with your time & money shows where your value lies) How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 as far as intellectual attainment goes. Do you have goals in that area? Are you actively pursuing them?
Physical and Mental Health
We have control over our eating and health habits. A clean mind and a healthy body enables you to render far more effective service to others. It creates freedom for the individual to choose to become a leader. Robust health is a noble and worthwhile attainment. Physical health affects not only you but others. You need to energize your life. Nutrition and exercise are therapy for the soul. What are you doing now to stay in shape, to be lean for life? Are you interested in a spouse that will take care of his or her body and who is concerned about his or her health and appearance as you are about yours? Physical health is a vital element in marriage. We can prevent some problems by starting to live healthy now. Today is the day to establish proper eating and nutritional habits, obtain sufficient rest, and exercise on a consistant basis. Even w/ optimal health as a goal…it is possible however to become extreme on nutrition and eating habits. The Lord doesn’t ask us to be a vegetarian, although it is not a bad idea. As with anything in marriage: empathy, patience, and loving, concern are in order.
Consider your own mental health and that of your prospective spouse. Do you both have stable personalities? What kind of demeanor and temperament do you possess? Do you keep commitments? Are you easily depressed or do you have a chemical imbalance that you are neglecting? Is temperament important to you? Could you live w/someone who is sarcastic and of a critical nature? Or someone who is unmotivated or someone who is always stressed out? Plan your day and ask…how will I react to this situation…what can I do to make it a pleasant experience? -ask yourself…what do I already know about this situation…what factors affect these relationships? What you see in dating and marriage is what you get. WYSIWYG
Another aspect of emotional and mental health is the ability to handle stress or a crisis. You want to marry someone who has developed the coping skills necessary to survive and thrive in the 21st century.(Book: the survivor personality)
President David O. Mckay should concern us most, spirituality is the highest acquisition of the soul. It is spirituality alone that gives us the best in life. How do you feel about your own spiritual progress? Are you progressing in your faith and personal testimony? Is your life in harmony w/the teachings of the Savior & modern day apostles and prophets? If your life is not where it should be spiritually now, can you make the necessary adjustments? Why is it important that you do? Because you yourself want to marry someone who loves the gospel and seeks to live its principles. Do you study the scriptures on a regular basis? Do you routinely have your own individual prayer? Are your prayers rather superficial and mechanical in nature or are you able to commune w/your heavenly father? Of course you will want to marry someone who reads the scriptures and prays regularly. Why? Because prayer and scripture study become an individuals armor, and when fully armored, the likelihood of sin and carelessness is greatly reduced and you are more likely to enjoy the spirit of the Lord in your life. There are many who try to improve their intellect and physique before marriage, but there are not many who try to improve their spirituality. Spirituality has to do with your interest in spiritual matters…doctrine, prayer, scripture, and church magazine study, taking institute courses, and listening to impressions from the holy ghost…spirituality springs from a desire to please your heavenly father and to follow the counsel of his servants. President Hinckley said in all that you do remember to be humble and prayerful. Reading uplifting and inspiring books as individuals and as a couple should be normal and natural activities for both of you. Reading scriptures daily helps us to draw closer to the Lord. Personal prayer has a similar effect on us. These activities will benefit us as much as we desire them to be. We will get out what we put it. GIGO
Social abilities-having friends and being friends to others play a crucial role in our moral, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual development. A good indicator of what type of spouse you will be is how you treat your friends. To find out who are are true friends, we must look for two important elements: A true friend makes it easier to live the gospel by being around him. Similarly a true friend does not make us choose between his way and the lords way. Real friends love us, protect us, and encourage us, they build us up, and are there for us when we need a shoulder to lean on. As you prepare for marriage, focus on becoming a good friend. No relationship needs friendship as much as marriage. How would you rate yourself as a friend to others? Are you a loyal friend? Are you tuned in to the needs of those around you? Are you a giver as well as a receiver in your relationships w/others. Real friends help others to keep their covenants. The greatest single factor affecting what you are going to be tomorrow, your activity, your attitudes, your eventual destiny, is largely determined by who you choose to marry. Your children will be most interested in what led you to that important decision to marry in the temple. You should know someones weaknesses and strengths before you get married. Put your trust in God and move forward with faith.
There are a number of filters used in the selection process:
1 physical attractiveness
2 does he or she have a strong testimony?
3 Does he or she live the principles of the gospel?
4 Is her or she active in his ward or stake?
5 Does he or she love home and family?
6 Will he or she be faithful and a good mother or father?
7 The persons personality(warm, kind, intelligent, interesting, poised, or confident, or humorous rather than rude, insecure, clumsy, unstable, irresponsible, or who manifest other negative traits)
8 Similarity of viewpoints, circumstances and life experience(individuals do best when they date those with similar values, beliefs, traits, education, religion, and cultural background, the more similar people are in their mental, emotional, and spiritual traits, the more likely they are to be compatible as marriage partners…they may not match your energy level)
9 Look for a companion that has similar ideals, ideas, and standards to your own
10 Similarity in religion, and family background(how important is religion and the gospel to them? What are their attitudes on family home evening, following the prophets, institute, individual and family prayer, scripture study, and personal honesty…you will want to know about someones family background and family interests…you might want to observe if the person you are dating has stable parents and if the parents have a stable marriage themselves. Even though understanding and applying gospel principles can help your spouse overcome difficulties in background, this issue needs your carefull attention and evalutation.
11 You must get along well with the person…someone who compliments your personality. Find someone you enjoy being with and someone who you enjoy talking to….Ask yourself…do your interests mesh? Are your temperaments compatible? Are you prepared to be with someone who is high strung and nervous? What about attitudes and values?? Do you both have the desire and ability to meet eachothers needs? Are you similar concerning expectations concerning gender roles? Personal habits?? Marriage requires a high degree of maturity.
Issues to face before getting married:
1. Why is marriage so important? Necessary ordinance for the celestial kingdom. The family proclamation to the world…
2. What counsel is there for a young woman trying to decide between a mission and marriage to a young man. President Hinckley said, “young women are not under obligation to go on missions, but if they have a desire to go they should counsel w/their bishop and parents”missionary work is primarily a priesthood responsibility. If the young woman has the choice between marriage to a righteous priesthood holder or a mission, she is advised to choose marriage. All members of the church can have successful marriages if they are willing to pay the price.
3. How do I know when I am in love? When we have paid the price of patient preparation, self-dicipline, and an irrevecoble commitment to another persons happiness, we can be happy. Have you become best friends? Happiness is found in part by marrying your best friend. A relationship should be built on time, understanding, respect and restraint, friendship, and romance. If your relationship is based on affection…you are building on a sandy foundation. You must pay the price of determining your compatibility before marriage. Does your prospective mate inspire you to be your best self? Does being together foster w/in you a desire to do better and be a more complete person? “Talk about doing good…Richard G. Scott” Do you want to live more righteously because of your association w/ that person.
(my opinion…to be successful in marriage you must know the FHE recource guide like the back of your hand)
The ability to resolve differences will determine the success of your marriage.(study the FHE recource guide)
One key ingredient to a successful marriage is to work together to achieve your goals. Set goals and work together to achieve them.
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin gave this counsel….you should look ahead now and decide what you want to do with your lives. Fix clearly in your mind what you want to be 1 year from now….5 years from now….10 years from now….write your goals and review them regularly…record your progress and revise them as circumstantces dictate. Goals should bring us closer together and point us in the direction of the celestial kingdom. For instance…instead of writing as a goal..”become more spiritual…write down how you will accomplish your written goal…(this generates new ideas) How are you going to become more spiritual? Making goals specific allows them to be observed and measured. Moreover…each goal must have a plan of action. You can read your patriarchal blessing so you can learn what your Heavenly Father wants to be.
Positive program of preparation…education, health, employment, financial management, home storage, and discoving recources.
Education: President Hinckley has counseled the youth of the church “to be smart about training your minds and hands for the future. You have an obligation to make the most of your life. Plan now for all of the education you can get. And then work to bring to pass a fulfillment of that plan. An education prepares one to serve effectively in society. Plan to get all the education you can. Your education will help you to get the talents and skills to contribute to society and the kingdom of God. Women need to get all the education they can also. President Howard W. Hunter stated…there are impelling reasons for our sisters to plan for employment also, we want them to obtain all the educational and vocational training possible before marriage…follow your dreams…don’t ever sell yourself short…or change your educational field look easier…or will propel you through the graduation line sooner”you will be able anything as long as you are in agreement and the Lord is your partner. Are you satisfied w/the career path you have chosen. How do you feel about additional education. Are you making progress in your present educational goals?
Health….President Spencer W. Kimball said…we teach our people to live the laws of health…it is paying important dividends in longer more healthy lives” There are several areas to discuss such as….how healthy are your eating habits…can you do your own shopping?…do you keep your residence clean?…you should try to develop good habits in the areas of eating…exercising…and physical strength…you should also be sensitive to the needs and limitations of your body…and strive to maintain a balance that will help you to maintain a long life of health and vitality…what are some health areas that you could improve in?…
Employment…what skills can you develop that will be unique…and that will demand a price?…the employment we choose should be honorable and challenging…we need to seek that work that we are suited by interest, apptitute and training…be prayerfull about your career choice…how are you preparing for your future employment…what skills do you need to acquire?…what goals have you set for yourself in these areas?…
Financial management…you can increase your chances of having a successful marriage if you become self-reliant in several areas…especially finances…members are to use their recources in becoming self-reliant…and then reaching out to others to help them gain that same capacity…we don’t need to bec ome millionaires, but we do need to learn to take care of ourselves…avoid debt…it is difficult to start a marriage when your finances are sinking…as you move through the engagement period, it would be good for you to talk about finances and plan for tommorow…make a budget and stick to it…cut expenses by distinguishing between wants and needs…spend less money than you make…what goals do you have in these areas?…have you made a budget?…
Home storage…know how to prepare food and storage basics…you must plan for the future…use people in your ward who know how to fix things if you don’t…plant gardens…bottle fruit..take advantage of the time you have now to improve…develop celestial habits that will remain w/you for the rest of your life…now is the time…while you are still single focus on improving your own skills…when you get married establish a home of love, order, and faith…set goals…your ultimate goal should be eternal life…
Money management…
Overindulgance and poor money management place a heavy strain…no matter how much money you make…it is always a struggle to balance needs and wants…learn to manage your income…what is your attitude about finances?...how we view money can be seen as an extension of our personality…people have different beliefs as to how money should be earned, spent, saved, and how much should be given away…it is important that you discuss your beliefs about money and other financial issues before marriage….wise recource management….thou shalt preservce what thou hast…good financial practices are necessary to preserve what thou hast…you need to anticipate future expenses to prepare for emergencies…financial priorities…agreeing on financial priorities is a key to financial success…have an emergency fund….you need home insurance…exercise self-control…one of the most common mistakes young couples make is to spend to much money…you must recognize that it would be unwise to think that you can maintain the same spending patterns and lifestyle to which you were accustomed as part of their parents family…married couples manifest a level of maturity when they consider the needs of their spouse and family members before their own…avoid debt…avoid using credit cards for purchases such as groceries and clothing…aside from going into debt for a home, car, or education avoid debt when you can…make a budget…keep a carefull record of both income and expenses…developing a good budget system early in your marriage will be a blessing to you your whole lives…budgeting is a process of preplanning your income and making sure it accomplishes what you want your recources to do for you...both of you should understand how the budget in your home operates…a budget can and should be a positive experience in your marriage….financial decisions must be made anyway, so why not have a sytems that will work well for both of you…budjeting requires wisdom, self-control, a sense of direction, a firm hand and a desire to save money…a simple way to budget is to go through your checkbook, ledger, or software program to see what were your expenditures for the past three months…that will give you a larger view of what categories you typically spend money in over a period of time…then calculate the average monthly cost of each category by dividing the total amount for three months in three to obtain the average monthly expenditure for each category….the first principle of budgeting is to know where you have allocated your funds in the past….and how you need to continue or change directions in the next budget periond…read the book or listen to the cd’s for information concerning marital intimacy…
Anger…the destroyer of family relations…curb your anger…make sure you become comfortable w/your own temperament…and those of your prospective spouse….the unfortunate aspects of anger and temper are that they usually don’t rear their ugly heads until after the marriage ceremony…they are difficult to detect during courtship because both individuals have been on their best behavior…expressing anger breeds more anger…the Lords position on this matter is that there is no permission for losing ones temper in the circle of those who love and attempt to follow the savior…the only righteous response to our own temper is to root it out like we would lust, in order to be worthy of the kingdom…anger is a natural emotion that is common to mortals but before you act on such inward feelings w/an outward display of immaturity, understand that the Lord gave agency to decide how you will react when you feel provoked or choose to take offense…anger is a choice we make when given the circumstances as we interpret them…we decide how we will react in a particular setting…Christlike people, because of their understanding of the principles of the gospel, choose to respond in mature ways, no matter what the setting…there are some things where righteous indignation is merited such as unfairness, injustice, inhumanity to man, and suffering by the innocent…the scriptures say that undisciplined anger is always destructive and in reality, a primary tool of Satan to destroy marriage and family relations…the critical issue you need to consider is of anger management…how you control your anger will determine the type of relationship you have between you and your family members…demonstrations of anger always destroy relationships…it never builds them up or strengthens them…many church members do not realize that manifesting anger is a sin…uncontrolled temper corrodes human character(both the giver and the recipient)…it is a truism that when you lose your temper, you use the spirit of the Lord…w/out the Lords spirit, you will have a difficult time being charitable…and w/out charity, you relationship will not be what it ought to be…w/out the spirit of the Lord, most of us make very poor rational decisions…perhaps the long term penalty of anger directed toward family members is a loss of exaltation…President David O. Mckays counsel was that the only justification for yelling in the home is if the house is on fire…it is Satan who loves contention…temper and a lack of affection…there are too many young people who bear the emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical scars caused by angry parents…Gordon B. Hinckley said, “I will be forever gratefull for a father who never laid a hand in anger on his children, somehow he had the wonderful talent to let them know what was expected of them, and to give them encouragement in achieving, above all, children need a good example”…discipline yourselves, master your tempers…parents have an immense influence on their children…influence your children to become better people(teach them by word and deed)…our informal data collection reveals that great damage can come to a family member through displays of anger or a lack of affection…anger and temper lead to caustic remarks, or even verbal or physical abuse(behavior that must become a part of your personality as you prepare yourself for marriage and family relationships) Our goal must be to eliminate temper and demonstrations of anger in our lives…be responsible for your anger…anger is a choice…identify trigger points(cues and promts that lead to angry outbursts)…couples need to identify what leads them to be angry and hostile…withdraw from a situation if you feel anger dwelling up in your heart(exercise, take a walk)…one of the most important reasons to withdraw is to collect your thoughts…if you find yourself in a confrontation, respond softly…often, a soft answer will diffuse the situation…use humor…sometimes a comment at the right time can change the feeling in a relationship or room…when does anger ever change someone or motivate them to do something better…pray(ask the Lord for help)…he wants you to control your emotions…anger can be controlled…learn to manage it before it manages you…who would want to marry someone who can’t control their emotions…we counsel you to look at eachothers temperament in the dating and courting period…and especially before you make the final decision to marry…anger and abuse are destroyers of family relationships…they cause great misery and they have no place among latter-day saints(either in our marriages or in our homes)…the gospel is designed to bring joy and peace and happiness to married couples and their children, not anger and contention…
The most important principle I can share is to anchor your life in Jesus Christ…we should center our lives on the Savior and his teachings…he should be the focal point of all we think, say, and do…having Christ at the center of your lives will serve as an insulation and protection against things that are evil in nature…our thoughts govern our behaviors…by changing our thoughts, we can have the power to change our behaviors…if our thoughts are centered on the Savior, we will behave like him…the Savior can inspire us in our marriage and family relationships…we he is at the center of your life, you succeed…if gospel principles are lived and practiced in your home, peace and happiness and harmony will abound…
Developing Christlike character traits…when couples fail to center their relationship on the Savior, they have no promise or guarantee of success…w/out the Savior, the power to be kind and compassionate is lost…human kindness and charity wane and spiritual recources are ignored or forgotton…once couples lose the spirit of the Lord, their relationship deteriorates rapidly…when they are sarcastic, angry, critical, defensive, or uncaring, the partnership is on the brink…in contrast, when both partners possess an eternal perspective of marriage, it is much easier to be kind and considerate…the nearer we are to God…the more likely we will be to have his attributes…
Summary…the time to put Christ at the center of your life is now…do not wait until you are married, begin right now…a Christ centered approach can drive the dating decisions you will make…the saviors love will nurture and anchor your personality and character so that you will have no need to play dating games…you would not in anyway to live true to the standards you have been taught…you would have moral courage to stand up for those standards and be true…hopefully the habits and practices that you’ve been working on over the past few years and months have set you in the direction of an eternal relationship…we wish you the very best as you seek to obtain the keys to the highest degree of glory in the celestial kingdom…
True love is founded squarely on the foundation of a chaste life. It is important to marry someone who is committed to living all the commandments, by so doing protecting your family from the destructive influences of the world. You and your spouse must teach your children well. You must teach your children family values and be a righteous example. There has never been a time in the history of man with more temptations and opportunities to excel. Your preparation to enter the house of the Lord should start now. Do you have confidence in your worthiness before God? Could you hold your head up high if you saw God face to face? President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “there would be less selfishness if the saints would attend the temple more regularly” Be faithful to your future husband and wife starting now. Sexual immorality is far to common among those courting or those who are engaged. Your goal should be to make it through your dating years unspotted from immorality. You must approach the alter clean before God and his angels. Don’t believe anyone who tells you that you can repent before you go to the temple, so it doesn’t matter what you do now. Transgressions do not make you a well rounded person. It is far better to prepare and prevent than to repair and repent. Your focus should be on preventing sin, rather than repenting from it! We are deluged with immoral messages from the media. Choose what you take into your mind and body w/care…remember, you are a miraculous creation of God. Ask yourself…do I want to carry around the images from that one bad scene in that pg-13 movie? The answer is simple…No. By saying this…you are being ethical. Our prophets have warned us of the consequences of sexual permissivness(e.g. allowing yourself to view material that would be inappropriate for children…this is my opinion) If you don’t know where you are going…any way will seem right to you. You must educate yourself to become humble…by so doing you will recognize your weaknesses and the spirit will prompt you to take action on those feelings and ideas that you will have. (my opinion…Why is it that some Latter Day Saints feel immune to sexual transgression? They feel secure by just attending church and saying “someday I’ll improve my life…I have great potential) All of us are susceptible if we become careless.
Why must we be clean? Sexual deviations rank in seriousness right next to murder and the sin against the Holy Ghost. It is unwise and sinfull to engage in immoral behavior.
The consequences of immoral behavior are:
1.a loss of the spirit of the Lord
2. A loss of personal peace and happiness
3. A loss of confidence and trust in present and future relationships.
4. A loss in mental, emotional, and perhaps physical health.
5. A possible pregnancy out of wedlock
6. An increase of sexual activity and possible addiction
7. A greater tendancy to excuse involvement in extra-marital affairs
8. A great dissapointment to friends and family and an embarrasment to the church and kingdom of God.
The blessings for remaining chaste:
1. Enjoying peace of mind
2. Spiritual happiness
3. Trust of self and another
4. Freedom of concience
5. Wholeness
6. Purity
7. Strength of character
Personal righteousness to the teachings of Jesus Christ serves as the basis for happiness in life.
If you are engaged and see some serious character flaws(temperment that borders on or is abusive, money management practices that include major amounts of frivolous debt, and spiritual or mental weaknesses, shallow testimony, hypocrisy, or unwillingness to have children, take a job, obtain an education, etc)…please have the courage to break off the engagement.
Avoid a long engagement…no longer than six months. An engagement is not the time to decide if you want to marry…you should not be engaged until you have already decided that you should marry…and you both feel your decision is right…Normally you can plan your wedding in a short amount of time.
Putting on the armor of God. There is help for those who have made mistakes. You need to protect yourself from the destructive influences of the world right now!!!!!!!! Set goals. Take action. Be proactive in improving your life. (my opinion…don’t watch tv,movies, or play video games because it is passive…you are not physicall, mentally, or socially active…these activities distort reality and cause you to not think clearly)
Spirtiual armor protects you from “the destructive influences of the world”(FHE video). (my opinion…Don’t kiss for more than 3 seconds before marriage!…anything beyond that lights your fire within) Do the movies you watch contain suggestive or provocative content? Your goal should be to feel joy and happiness because you have kept the commandments of God.
Ways to put on the armor of God(symbolism)
1. Study the teachings of Jesus Christ
2. Have personal prayer(Gospel Principles…thank Heavenly Father for family, friends, leaders, teachers, the gospel, Jesus Christ, the atonement, health, food, water, shelter, spiritual understanding…Ask for…strength to resist the temptations of satan and his followers…strength to live the gospel…guidance and inspiration in your daily life…spiritual understanding….friends that will help you to live the commandments more fully)
3. Read the scriptures daily….by topic…or ensign…or…study Sunday school or priesthood &relief society lesson. Knowledge is power…principles will lead to happiness.
4. When dating…exercise self-control that will keep you from danger…kissing can be the spark for more serious deviations….President Kimball declared…”kissing has been prostituted and has degenerated to develop and express lust instead of affection, honor, and admiration…what is miss called the soul kiss(French kiss..the kiss on the singles ward was wrong…isn‘t it?) is an abomination and stirs passions to the eventual loss of virtue” Even if timely courtship justifies a kiss, it should be a clean, decent, sexless one. Avoid inappropriate touching…once couple become too familiar w/each other…it is difficult to turn back…among the most common sexual sins our young people commit are necking and petting…necking is contact between unmarried partners from the neck up…and it includes kissing or stroking the other persons hair…petting is unmarried couples touching each other anywhere that would be covered by modest clothing…president Kimball warned of engaging in such activities when he said the following..”immorality does not begin in adultery and perversion…it begins w/little indiscretions like sex thoughts…sex discussion…passionate kissing…petting and such…growing w/every exercise…the small indiscrections seems powerless compared to the sturdy body, the strong mind, the sweet spirit of youth who giveway to the first temptation…but soon…the strong has become weak…the master of the slave…spiritual growth curtailed…
Avoid pornography like the plague…
Buy the book for guidelines for intimacy in marriage…
Building strong relationships through communication…(my opinion…focus on talking about doing good(FHE video)…talk about achieving goals….learn empathy)
(communication should be an exchange of ideas and feelings…e.g. be assertive…“I feel” statements)
You must learn now how to communicate feelings of love…(my opinion…you must change)
(in the book they express communication in a way that hasn’t been said before…focus on what I have said previously)
Don’t let minor disagreements ruin a relationship….contention is of the devil….(don’t use aggressive language such as “you do not help around the house…instead say I feel angry and hurt when you don’t help around the house…you need a change in culture)
(my opinion…Anger is often a result of unmet expectations…..ask yourself…are my expectations realistic? Do I expect more in others than I do in myself? Am I serious about having the right attitude and goals?)
You might want to discuss some expectations you have before marriage, such as: friends, recreation, money management, sexual intimacy, in-law relations, children, housekeeping, religious rituals and practices, job career issues and anything else that you might feel is important. The idea is to learn what you expect of each other in marital and family relations. If you can discuss these issues now and develop a healthy system for dealing w/differences, you will be well on your way to a successful enterprise. Learn what your expectations you have for spousal behavior. The idea is to marry someone who has the skill of empathy. Apply principles of the gospel to your relationships now!! Be empathetic.(buy a book on empathy) Share feelings w/each other in calm rational ways. Take time for talking together now!! Give your friends your full attention when they are talking. *****President David O. McKay cautioned to the church…”No member of this church, husband…father, has the right to utter an oath in his home, or ever to express a cross word to his wife, or to his children” You have to contribute to an ideal home by your character, controlling your passion, your temper, guarding your speech, because those things will determine the atmosphere of your home. Say nothing that will hurt your wife. That will cause her tears, even though she might cause you provocation. Learn to be dignified. None of us has the right to speak anything to each other unless it is positive and edifying. In resolving conflict…follow Lehi’s example to not rebuke, but to comfort. Make today the day that you are committed to living all the commandments of God. Set goals and in an organized way work to achieve them.
The key to resolving problems will require that you live all the commandments of God.
President Spencer W. Kimball gave us a simple formula for resolving marital difficulties:
It is certain that almost any good man or any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price…the formula is simple…
1. There must be the proper approach towards marriage(both parties must come to the alter of marriage having internalized the attitude that they must work hard to attain a successful marriage. All of us have the ability to succeed in marriage, but our success is determined by our choices.)
2. There must be great unselfishness.(don’t satisfy your need for immediate gratification)
3. There must be continued reinforcement of positive lifestyle choices.(we need to be disciplined in order to be successful)
4. There must be complete living of the commandments of the Lord as defined in the gospel of Jesus Christ.
The savior made it clear that we cannot place sufficient in our preparedness lamps by simply avoiding evil. We must be anxiously engaged in a positive program of preparation.(set goals…religious practices…exercise…nutrition…self-reliance…service…financial…commandments)
This documentis a summary of the only book out there by a LDS author on how to prepare for marriage….The book is called “First Comes Love”…you can buy the book or the book on 5 cd’s…I contacted the author and he said that I can distribute the summary to as many people as I can. I would suggest e-mailing this document or the attatchment to as many people as you can because it is information that will benefit anyone who reads it. I would recommend investing on LDS books on tape or cd, although the Family Home Evening recource guide & the scriptures is a good source for information to lifes daily decisions (I am going to try harder to study to show that I really care about the gospel)…also make sure you are an expert on the new and evelasting covenant of marriage before you get married in the temple...If you have any questions about nutrition, exercise(based on the teachings of the LDS church) or for summaries of other other lds books...you can email me at ask_nate@myway.com I would recommend using myway.com for free email because there are no suggestive pop-up ads as compared to yahoo or hotmail.
No other success can compensate for failure in the home. An apostle of the Lord stated the most important single thing that any latter day saint ever does in this world is to marry the person in the right place by the right authority. This quote has been repeated in church manuals over the years. Gordon B. Hinckley said to university students…the most important step you have made or will make in your life is marriage…its consequences are many…so important and so everlasting..no other decision will have such tremendous consequences for the future. Marriage and family life are what an LDS lifestyle is all about. The highest of earthly opportunities and priorities should be centered in your home and family relations. A news reporter asked Gordon B. Hinckley what his biggest concern for the church was…he said “we have wonderful people, but we have too many whose families are falling apart..it is a matter of serious concern..I think it is my most serious concern. Spencer W. Kimball declared, “In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most carefull planning, and thinking, and praying and fasting should be done, to be sure that of all the decisions, this one must not be wrong.
Our worldly environment…we must protect ourselves against the destructive influences of the world by keeping all of the commandments.
Preparation for marriage….
We must take the responsibility of preparing ourselves for the responsibilities that will come after marriage. The norm of our day is to look at damage control rather than prevention. Wouldn’t it make more sense to prevent marital problems before they happen. An ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure. There are many things you can do to increase the chances of a successful marriage. You can have a wonderful marriage if you are better prepared for this new adventure. When we break our marriage covenants, we disappoint our heavenly father. Think of it from this perspective…If you have come from a difficult background: abuse, neglect, poor parental modeling, a broken home….membership in the church brings you a new parent…Jesus Christ. You became one of his sons and daughters at baptism…because he was perfect..you may substitute his example and teachings for whatever in your life did not measure up to what you want to become. Our goal is to plan, prepare and realisticly anticipate what marriage will require of you. As a single man or woman, it is important that you examine your motives for marrying and look carefully at your marital readiness, as well as the readiness of the person you are considering as a spouse. Hopefully this information will motivate you to prepare for the most important decision you will ever make in life. The success of your marital oddesy requires that you both are committed to eachother and to the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ. You will be teachers of these precepts of eternal life to your children by instruction and by example. The Lord needs you to model gospel tenets, so your children see the fruits of faithful observance of Gods commandments. The first principle of effective parenting is to build a strong marriage so your children can observe healthy interactions. Stable parents tend to raise stable children. The are no perfect marriages, but when parents love eachother and that love is extended to each child, the youngsters of that couple or more apt to adopt the values and behavioral standards of their parents.
Considering the enormous importance of marriage…it is rather astonishing that we don’t make better preparation for its success. Usaually young couples date for a few months or a year or two, enjoying romance and getting aqainted, but once they are marriage they realize that romance must blend with spiritual beliefs, inlaw relationships, money issues and serious discussions involving ethics children and the running of the home. Too many people are inadequately prepared for this loftly responsibility. Many parents do not prepare their children for marriage(the single most important event of their lives) What is the reason parents neglect preparing their children for marriage. One of the reasons why marriages are failing is because we have largely become a society of selfish individuals…it seems that so many people these days are concerned w/possessions and portfolios than they are with improving their family relationships. President Spencer W. Kimball warned latter-day saints in a profound address entitled “the false gods we worship” he cautioned the saints of the 70’s to beware of pride and selfishness…in fact he said that, we are, on the whole, an idolatrous people, a condition most repugnant to the Lord. How much more would his diagnosis fit our current society. Ultimately, the selfishness that comes from idolatry, destroys civilizations, but it does not begin at that global level. Initially selfishness originates in the individual heart and then moves to attack relationships. Selfishness destroys families. Because of selfishness, we are not protected from the destructive influences of the world. On another occasion President Kimball declared that every divorce is the result of selfishness on the part of one or the other or both parties to a marriage contract. The seeds of marital destruction through selfishness are planted long before marriage. Jeffry R. Holland said, “You can change anything you want to change, and you can do it very fast” You just have to be willing to pay the price. We can repent of things we do wrong, and we must spend the rest of our lives proving that we are truly repentant. Change, growth, renewal and repentance can become a reality if you educate yourself and keep all of the commandments. Many people take no thought for the morrow when it comes to preparing for marriage. It seems that most young couples spend more time planning their wedding that planning for marriage. During the engagement period some individuals overlook the faults or bad habits of the person they are dating. The point is that there are many topics that need your attention during this important transition from dating partners to more serious companions planning for marriage. A carefull look at strengths and weaknesses is needed during this period. If we prepare ourselves properly before marriage and continue to learn from eachother after marriage we can accomplished the purposed for which it was divinely instituted. Awareness of eternity affects our decisions. If we live in such a way that the considerations of eternity press upon us we will make better decisions. We all go through life with a limited perspective. Often we neither see nor comprehend the entire picture. We should pay closer attention to eternity. Having an eternal perspective is critical if we want to endure to the end. An eternal perspective will help us to successfully navigate our way safely through dating and courtship. Many people approach courtship from a short sided perspective. They do not take into account the weightier matters of eternity. In fact many individual cannot see how their decisions now will impact their lives next month, much less what will take place four or five years down the road. You must expand your vision and ask yourself…how will marrying this person impact my life.
Keeping an eternal perspective while dating. If your focus is on marriage in this life and eternal life, then you would certainly not date people that have lower standards than you. You would not date those who would be poor parents to your children or those who have no interest in being faithfull and commited members of the church. An eternal perspective helps keep priorities in line during our dating and engagement period. The greatest lesson I have learned about having an eternal perspective is to try to see the person as God must see them. To see them for not only who they are right now, but who they can become. To see their potential and possibilities and then do all you can to help them to reach their potential as they assist you to reach the same goal. Cardinal traits such as kindness, consideration, empathy, commitment, spirituality, selflessness, and humility are paramount in marriage relationships and they are portable…you can take them with you in the next life. The family proclamation to the world states that successful marriages are built on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. These traits are the foundation stones of healthy relationships. There is no mention in the proclamation about looks, popularity, or wealth. President Hinckley stated…I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort or well being of ones companion. Spiritual and emotional strengths become even more important as we age together and find that are bodies are after all….mortal. The virues acknowledged by the Lord and his prophets: Faith, forgiveness, selflessness, should be present first in your own life, that is, you should be anxiously engaged in improving yourself in these areas rather than searching desperately for someone else you think posses them. You should also seek out members of the opposite sex who have healthy character traits and who are working to improve them. There is a scripture that says…intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence…wisdom recieveth wisdom..truth embraceth truth..virtue loveth virtue…light cleaveth unto light…if you love the truth…you will be attracted to women who love the truth…If you are a person who loveth truth and virtue..then go out and find a companion who loveth truth and virtue…the new and everlasting covenant of marriage…choose who you date carefully…date only those worthy of a temple recommend?...dating only those who will help you to get to the highest kingdom are my priority…each night as you kneel in prayer and report your stewardship to a loving heavenly father you will maintain your eternal perspective. You must keep your heart pure and clean, then the Holy Ghost will be able to influence you and guide your life. It is critical that we have the spirit w/us. It is essential that we live clean life so that the holy ghost can be our constant companion. Having an eternal perspective will help you to effectively prepare for marriage. Write down what you want to do with your life after you get married. Instead of spending all your time romancing…focus on things that will strengthen your relationsip…(e.g. make it more of an informational relationship versus a emotional relationship) The engagement period is a good time to discuss mutual goals..dreams and aspirations…you need to consider careers..you need to focus on helping and serving those around you so you do not become to absorbed w/eachother. Discuss how you will raise your future children..share your parenting beliefs and philosophies…Engaged couples should work on developing strong character values and habits such as those listed in the proclamation. Focus on implementing those attributes suggested in the Family proclamation to the world, then strive to incorporate these priniciples into your relationships. Discuss important character traits before you get married. Your marriage is too important to be treated so trival…who you marry and how you decide to live after marriage are the most vital choices you will ever make.
Keeping an eternal perspective in marriage…members of the church have the obligation to build ideal homes and to rear exemplary families…when you are married you are commited to eachother and God for eternitiy…an eternal perspective assists couples that there will be problems…that there will be struggles.. keeping our sacred covenants and promises that we make with God and our spouse is the most crucial aspect of our lives. Being the right person after the ceremony is just as critical as finding the right person after the ceremony. There are too many people today who do not understand the serious nature of covenants and commitments to God. When it comes right down to it our quest is to gain eternal life through living the gospel…the key element of that quest being marriage and family..When we are stripped of all that we have..the only important things to us will be our faith and our relationships with our loved ones…accordingly we should prepare to that end..some of the most important things in this life are God, Family, home, and friends. So when you begin marriage…begin w/the end in mind..Success in marriage is not so much dependant on finding the right person as being the right person…important areas to work on are spirituality, personality, gospel commitment, successful mission, hobbies, character, ability to manage money, etc. In selecting an eternal companion, you might be wise to focus on refining the attributes that you have to offer someone else..traits over which you have some direct control…elder neal a. Maxwell emphasized maintaining a focus on improving yourself when he declared if the choice is between reforming other church members, including feonsias, spouses, or children, or ourselves, is there really any question as to where we should begin? The key is to have our eyes wide open to our own faults and partially closed to the faults of others. The only real value of compiling a list of desired attributes in a companion is so you will know what to look for in yourself. Each of you posseses core values and standards that constitutes your beliefs, those beliefs affect your behavior, in fact, if they are positive, they can put you on the proper path to meet someone else w/ similar beliefs and values, a path that leads to the celestial kingdom. It is too late to get on the path once you are engaged or even after you are married, you should get on the path when you are baptized, and stay the course through your childhood, teenage years, young adult years, engagement, and certainly your married years. During the dating period, you are merely seeking out those on the same path and who are going the same direction as you are. Specifically you are searching for a marriage partner who will help you stay on the Lords path and who is anxious to walk beside you. President Hinckley suggested that if a man wants to be worthy of the girl he marries he should incorporate specific virtues: be absolutely loyal, your prospective wife can expect you to come to the marriage alter absolutely clean, she can expect you to be a young man of virtue in thought and word and deed.(no pornography..it is as destructive as a disease); live the word of wisdom, avoid profanity(no euphemisms or racial slurs, vulgar or crude lang. don’t take the name of our Lord in vain), learn to control my temper, work for an education(education is the key to economic opportunity), be modest in you wants(define a budget to avoid debt), encourage your wife to be your best, love the lord and seek to do his will, go forth with a spirit of unselfishness, keep a desire to keep the commandments, such behavior will add happiness to your life, be married in the temple, prepare to become a righteous father. Think seriously about your own marriage preparation. Can can control your destiny…you can make wise choices now. You can take charge of every area of your life. You have the ability to choose and internalize each of these principles to improve your life. “base you decisions on principles…seek out true principles” How can you best find your eternal companion?..develop certain traits in yourself…examine your own life and determine the areas that need improvement & refinement. Jesus increased in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man. Jesus prepared himself in four key areas…intellect…education…wisdom….physical and mental health …stature…spirituality…favor w/God…and social abilities(favor w/man) Seek to improve your life in these areas.
Jesus was proactive in improving his personal characteristics.
1. identify the areas that you need to work on(weaknesses…educate yourself, then you will see what you need to work on)
2. set goals then actively do what we need to do to ensure that our goals come to fruition.
If we neglect improving ourselves in any of these areas, we can become unstable. What can we do to become stable individuals.
Intellect
Education-an important aspect of personal development(e.g. be compensated well for work) the level of education you attain will have direct bearing on what type of job you will qualify for. Prepare to render service with our minds and hands. Ask yourself…how am I doing in the area of intellectual growth? Is education important to me? What kind of grades do I typically make? Are they sufficiently high for me to obtain a good job or be admitted to graduate school. What about my study habits? (what smart students know) Do I study on a regular and consistant basis or are my study habits erratic or non-existance. If education is not important to me, then I can’t expect to marry someone who does value it. Research has shown that the more similar the couples education, the more compatible they are in marriage. The rate of divorce is highest among those who view education differently. Intellect and education are not limited however to a university setting. (people who are lifelong learners will be the most stable) Seek learning out of the best books and from lifes experiences(get to know other people and think about their attitude) As we become more educated, we will become more interested in life, and interested in others. Will you create an atmosphere of learning in the home, or will you be influenced by the media which expresses is a destructive influence. (tv is passive, focus on improving your life in the areas mentioned before…what you do with your time & money shows where your value lies) How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 as far as intellectual attainment goes. Do you have goals in that area? Are you actively pursuing them?
Physical and Mental Health
We have control over our eating and health habits. A clean mind and a healthy body enables you to render far more effective service to others. It creates freedom for the individual to choose to become a leader. Robust health is a noble and worthwhile attainment. Physical health affects not only you but others. You need to energize your life. Nutrition and exercise are therapy for the soul. What are you doing now to stay in shape, to be lean for life? Are you interested in a spouse that will take care of his or her body and who is concerned about his or her health and appearance as you are about yours? Physical health is a vital element in marriage. We can prevent some problems by starting to live healthy now. Today is the day to establish proper eating and nutritional habits, obtain sufficient rest, and exercise on a consistant basis. Even w/ optimal health as a goal…it is possible however to become extreme on nutrition and eating habits. The Lord doesn’t ask us to be a vegetarian, although it is not a bad idea. As with anything in marriage: empathy, patience, and loving, concern are in order.
Consider your own mental health and that of your prospective spouse. Do you both have stable personalities? What kind of demeanor and temperament do you possess? Do you keep commitments? Are you easily depressed or do you have a chemical imbalance that you are neglecting? Is temperament important to you? Could you live w/someone who is sarcastic and of a critical nature? Or someone who is unmotivated or someone who is always stressed out? Plan your day and ask…how will I react to this situation…what can I do to make it a pleasant experience? -ask yourself…what do I already know about this situation…what factors affect these relationships? What you see in dating and marriage is what you get. WYSIWYG
Another aspect of emotional and mental health is the ability to handle stress or a crisis. You want to marry someone who has developed the coping skills necessary to survive and thrive in the 21st century.(Book: the survivor personality)
President David O. Mckay should concern us most, spirituality is the highest acquisition of the soul. It is spirituality alone that gives us the best in life. How do you feel about your own spiritual progress? Are you progressing in your faith and personal testimony? Is your life in harmony w/the teachings of the Savior & modern day apostles and prophets? If your life is not where it should be spiritually now, can you make the necessary adjustments? Why is it important that you do? Because you yourself want to marry someone who loves the gospel and seeks to live its principles. Do you study the scriptures on a regular basis? Do you routinely have your own individual prayer? Are your prayers rather superficial and mechanical in nature or are you able to commune w/your heavenly father? Of course you will want to marry someone who reads the scriptures and prays regularly. Why? Because prayer and scripture study become an individuals armor, and when fully armored, the likelihood of sin and carelessness is greatly reduced and you are more likely to enjoy the spirit of the Lord in your life. There are many who try to improve their intellect and physique before marriage, but there are not many who try to improve their spirituality. Spirituality has to do with your interest in spiritual matters…doctrine, prayer, scripture, and church magazine study, taking institute courses, and listening to impressions from the holy ghost…spirituality springs from a desire to please your heavenly father and to follow the counsel of his servants. President Hinckley said in all that you do remember to be humble and prayerful. Reading uplifting and inspiring books as individuals and as a couple should be normal and natural activities for both of you. Reading scriptures daily helps us to draw closer to the Lord. Personal prayer has a similar effect on us. These activities will benefit us as much as we desire them to be. We will get out what we put it. GIGO
Social abilities-having friends and being friends to others play a crucial role in our moral, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual development. A good indicator of what type of spouse you will be is how you treat your friends. To find out who are are true friends, we must look for two important elements: A true friend makes it easier to live the gospel by being around him. Similarly a true friend does not make us choose between his way and the lords way. Real friends love us, protect us, and encourage us, they build us up, and are there for us when we need a shoulder to lean on. As you prepare for marriage, focus on becoming a good friend. No relationship needs friendship as much as marriage. How would you rate yourself as a friend to others? Are you a loyal friend? Are you tuned in to the needs of those around you? Are you a giver as well as a receiver in your relationships w/others. Real friends help others to keep their covenants. The greatest single factor affecting what you are going to be tomorrow, your activity, your attitudes, your eventual destiny, is largely determined by who you choose to marry. Your children will be most interested in what led you to that important decision to marry in the temple. You should know someones weaknesses and strengths before you get married. Put your trust in God and move forward with faith.
There are a number of filters used in the selection process:
1 physical attractiveness
2 does he or she have a strong testimony?
3 Does he or she live the principles of the gospel?
4 Is her or she active in his ward or stake?
5 Does he or she love home and family?
6 Will he or she be faithful and a good mother or father?
7 The persons personality(warm, kind, intelligent, interesting, poised, or confident, or humorous rather than rude, insecure, clumsy, unstable, irresponsible, or who manifest other negative traits)
8 Similarity of viewpoints, circumstances and life experience(individuals do best when they date those with similar values, beliefs, traits, education, religion, and cultural background, the more similar people are in their mental, emotional, and spiritual traits, the more likely they are to be compatible as marriage partners…they may not match your energy level)
9 Look for a companion that has similar ideals, ideas, and standards to your own
10 Similarity in religion, and family background(how important is religion and the gospel to them? What are their attitudes on family home evening, following the prophets, institute, individual and family prayer, scripture study, and personal honesty…you will want to know about someones family background and family interests…you might want to observe if the person you are dating has stable parents and if the parents have a stable marriage themselves. Even though understanding and applying gospel principles can help your spouse overcome difficulties in background, this issue needs your carefull attention and evalutation.
11 You must get along well with the person…someone who compliments your personality. Find someone you enjoy being with and someone who you enjoy talking to….Ask yourself…do your interests mesh? Are your temperaments compatible? Are you prepared to be with someone who is high strung and nervous? What about attitudes and values?? Do you both have the desire and ability to meet eachothers needs? Are you similar concerning expectations concerning gender roles? Personal habits?? Marriage requires a high degree of maturity.
Issues to face before getting married:
1. Why is marriage so important? Necessary ordinance for the celestial kingdom. The family proclamation to the world…
2. What counsel is there for a young woman trying to decide between a mission and marriage to a young man. President Hinckley said, “young women are not under obligation to go on missions, but if they have a desire to go they should counsel w/their bishop and parents”missionary work is primarily a priesthood responsibility. If the young woman has the choice between marriage to a righteous priesthood holder or a mission, she is advised to choose marriage. All members of the church can have successful marriages if they are willing to pay the price.
3. How do I know when I am in love? When we have paid the price of patient preparation, self-dicipline, and an irrevecoble commitment to another persons happiness, we can be happy. Have you become best friends? Happiness is found in part by marrying your best friend. A relationship should be built on time, understanding, respect and restraint, friendship, and romance. If your relationship is based on affection…you are building on a sandy foundation. You must pay the price of determining your compatibility before marriage. Does your prospective mate inspire you to be your best self? Does being together foster w/in you a desire to do better and be a more complete person? “Talk about doing good…Richard G. Scott” Do you want to live more righteously because of your association w/ that person.
(my opinion…to be successful in marriage you must know the FHE recource guide like the back of your hand)
The ability to resolve differences will determine the success of your marriage.(study the FHE recource guide)
One key ingredient to a successful marriage is to work together to achieve your goals. Set goals and work together to achieve them.
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin gave this counsel….you should look ahead now and decide what you want to do with your lives. Fix clearly in your mind what you want to be 1 year from now….5 years from now….10 years from now….write your goals and review them regularly…record your progress and revise them as circumstantces dictate. Goals should bring us closer together and point us in the direction of the celestial kingdom. For instance…instead of writing as a goal..”become more spiritual…write down how you will accomplish your written goal…(this generates new ideas) How are you going to become more spiritual? Making goals specific allows them to be observed and measured. Moreover…each goal must have a plan of action. You can read your patriarchal blessing so you can learn what your Heavenly Father wants to be.
Positive program of preparation…education, health, employment, financial management, home storage, and discoving recources.
Education: President Hinckley has counseled the youth of the church “to be smart about training your minds and hands for the future. You have an obligation to make the most of your life. Plan now for all of the education you can get. And then work to bring to pass a fulfillment of that plan. An education prepares one to serve effectively in society. Plan to get all the education you can. Your education will help you to get the talents and skills to contribute to society and the kingdom of God. Women need to get all the education they can also. President Howard W. Hunter stated…there are impelling reasons for our sisters to plan for employment also, we want them to obtain all the educational and vocational training possible before marriage…follow your dreams…don’t ever sell yourself short…or change your educational field look easier…or will propel you through the graduation line sooner”you will be able anything as long as you are in agreement and the Lord is your partner. Are you satisfied w/the career path you have chosen. How do you feel about additional education. Are you making progress in your present educational goals?
Health….President Spencer W. Kimball said…we teach our people to live the laws of health…it is paying important dividends in longer more healthy lives” There are several areas to discuss such as….how healthy are your eating habits…can you do your own shopping?…do you keep your residence clean?…you should try to develop good habits in the areas of eating…exercising…and physical strength…you should also be sensitive to the needs and limitations of your body…and strive to maintain a balance that will help you to maintain a long life of health and vitality…what are some health areas that you could improve in?…
Employment…what skills can you develop that will be unique…and that will demand a price?…the employment we choose should be honorable and challenging…we need to seek that work that we are suited by interest, apptitute and training…be prayerfull about your career choice…how are you preparing for your future employment…what skills do you need to acquire?…what goals have you set for yourself in these areas?…
Financial management…you can increase your chances of having a successful marriage if you become self-reliant in several areas…especially finances…members are to use their recources in becoming self-reliant…and then reaching out to others to help them gain that same capacity…we don’t need to bec ome millionaires, but we do need to learn to take care of ourselves…avoid debt…it is difficult to start a marriage when your finances are sinking…as you move through the engagement period, it would be good for you to talk about finances and plan for tommorow…make a budget and stick to it…cut expenses by distinguishing between wants and needs…spend less money than you make…what goals do you have in these areas?…have you made a budget?…
Home storage…know how to prepare food and storage basics…you must plan for the future…use people in your ward who know how to fix things if you don’t…plant gardens…bottle fruit..take advantage of the time you have now to improve…develop celestial habits that will remain w/you for the rest of your life…now is the time…while you are still single focus on improving your own skills…when you get married establish a home of love, order, and faith…set goals…your ultimate goal should be eternal life…
Money management…
Overindulgance and poor money management place a heavy strain…no matter how much money you make…it is always a struggle to balance needs and wants…learn to manage your income…what is your attitude about finances?...how we view money can be seen as an extension of our personality…people have different beliefs as to how money should be earned, spent, saved, and how much should be given away…it is important that you discuss your beliefs about money and other financial issues before marriage….wise recource management….thou shalt preservce what thou hast…good financial practices are necessary to preserve what thou hast…you need to anticipate future expenses to prepare for emergencies…financial priorities…agreeing on financial priorities is a key to financial success…have an emergency fund….you need home insurance…exercise self-control…one of the most common mistakes young couples make is to spend to much money…you must recognize that it would be unwise to think that you can maintain the same spending patterns and lifestyle to which you were accustomed as part of their parents family…married couples manifest a level of maturity when they consider the needs of their spouse and family members before their own…avoid debt…avoid using credit cards for purchases such as groceries and clothing…aside from going into debt for a home, car, or education avoid debt when you can…make a budget…keep a carefull record of both income and expenses…developing a good budget system early in your marriage will be a blessing to you your whole lives…budgeting is a process of preplanning your income and making sure it accomplishes what you want your recources to do for you...both of you should understand how the budget in your home operates…a budget can and should be a positive experience in your marriage….financial decisions must be made anyway, so why not have a sytems that will work well for both of you…budjeting requires wisdom, self-control, a sense of direction, a firm hand and a desire to save money…a simple way to budget is to go through your checkbook, ledger, or software program to see what were your expenditures for the past three months…that will give you a larger view of what categories you typically spend money in over a period of time…then calculate the average monthly cost of each category by dividing the total amount for three months in three to obtain the average monthly expenditure for each category….the first principle of budgeting is to know where you have allocated your funds in the past….and how you need to continue or change directions in the next budget periond…read the book or listen to the cd’s for information concerning marital intimacy…
Anger…the destroyer of family relations…curb your anger…make sure you become comfortable w/your own temperament…and those of your prospective spouse….the unfortunate aspects of anger and temper are that they usually don’t rear their ugly heads until after the marriage ceremony…they are difficult to detect during courtship because both individuals have been on their best behavior…expressing anger breeds more anger…the Lords position on this matter is that there is no permission for losing ones temper in the circle of those who love and attempt to follow the savior…the only righteous response to our own temper is to root it out like we would lust, in order to be worthy of the kingdom…anger is a natural emotion that is common to mortals but before you act on such inward feelings w/an outward display of immaturity, understand that the Lord gave agency to decide how you will react when you feel provoked or choose to take offense…anger is a choice we make when given the circumstances as we interpret them…we decide how we will react in a particular setting…Christlike people, because of their understanding of the principles of the gospel, choose to respond in mature ways, no matter what the setting…there are some things where righteous indignation is merited such as unfairness, injustice, inhumanity to man, and suffering by the innocent…the scriptures say that undisciplined anger is always destructive and in reality, a primary tool of Satan to destroy marriage and family relations…the critical issue you need to consider is of anger management…how you control your anger will determine the type of relationship you have between you and your family members…demonstrations of anger always destroy relationships…it never builds them up or strengthens them…many church members do not realize that manifesting anger is a sin…uncontrolled temper corrodes human character(both the giver and the recipient)…it is a truism that when you lose your temper, you use the spirit of the Lord…w/out the Lords spirit, you will have a difficult time being charitable…and w/out charity, you relationship will not be what it ought to be…w/out the spirit of the Lord, most of us make very poor rational decisions…perhaps the long term penalty of anger directed toward family members is a loss of exaltation…President David O. Mckays counsel was that the only justification for yelling in the home is if the house is on fire…it is Satan who loves contention…temper and a lack of affection…there are too many young people who bear the emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical scars caused by angry parents…Gordon B. Hinckley said, “I will be forever gratefull for a father who never laid a hand in anger on his children, somehow he had the wonderful talent to let them know what was expected of them, and to give them encouragement in achieving, above all, children need a good example”…discipline yourselves, master your tempers…parents have an immense influence on their children…influence your children to become better people(teach them by word and deed)…our informal data collection reveals that great damage can come to a family member through displays of anger or a lack of affection…anger and temper lead to caustic remarks, or even verbal or physical abuse(behavior that must become a part of your personality as you prepare yourself for marriage and family relationships) Our goal must be to eliminate temper and demonstrations of anger in our lives…be responsible for your anger…anger is a choice…identify trigger points(cues and promts that lead to angry outbursts)…couples need to identify what leads them to be angry and hostile…withdraw from a situation if you feel anger dwelling up in your heart(exercise, take a walk)…one of the most important reasons to withdraw is to collect your thoughts…if you find yourself in a confrontation, respond softly…often, a soft answer will diffuse the situation…use humor…sometimes a comment at the right time can change the feeling in a relationship or room…when does anger ever change someone or motivate them to do something better…pray(ask the Lord for help)…he wants you to control your emotions…anger can be controlled…learn to manage it before it manages you…who would want to marry someone who can’t control their emotions…we counsel you to look at eachothers temperament in the dating and courting period…and especially before you make the final decision to marry…anger and abuse are destroyers of family relationships…they cause great misery and they have no place among latter-day saints(either in our marriages or in our homes)…the gospel is designed to bring joy and peace and happiness to married couples and their children, not anger and contention…
The most important principle I can share is to anchor your life in Jesus Christ…we should center our lives on the Savior and his teachings…he should be the focal point of all we think, say, and do…having Christ at the center of your lives will serve as an insulation and protection against things that are evil in nature…our thoughts govern our behaviors…by changing our thoughts, we can have the power to change our behaviors…if our thoughts are centered on the Savior, we will behave like him…the Savior can inspire us in our marriage and family relationships…we he is at the center of your life, you succeed…if gospel principles are lived and practiced in your home, peace and happiness and harmony will abound…
Developing Christlike character traits…when couples fail to center their relationship on the Savior, they have no promise or guarantee of success…w/out the Savior, the power to be kind and compassionate is lost…human kindness and charity wane and spiritual recources are ignored or forgotton…once couples lose the spirit of the Lord, their relationship deteriorates rapidly…when they are sarcastic, angry, critical, defensive, or uncaring, the partnership is on the brink…in contrast, when both partners possess an eternal perspective of marriage, it is much easier to be kind and considerate…the nearer we are to God…the more likely we will be to have his attributes…
Summary…the time to put Christ at the center of your life is now…do not wait until you are married, begin right now…a Christ centered approach can drive the dating decisions you will make…the saviors love will nurture and anchor your personality and character so that you will have no need to play dating games…you would not in anyway to live true to the standards you have been taught…you would have moral courage to stand up for those standards and be true…hopefully the habits and practices that you’ve been working on over the past few years and months have set you in the direction of an eternal relationship…we wish you the very best as you seek to obtain the keys to the highest degree of glory in the celestial kingdom…
True love is founded squarely on the foundation of a chaste life. It is important to marry someone who is committed to living all the commandments, by so doing protecting your family from the destructive influences of the world. You and your spouse must teach your children well. You must teach your children family values and be a righteous example. There has never been a time in the history of man with more temptations and opportunities to excel. Your preparation to enter the house of the Lord should start now. Do you have confidence in your worthiness before God? Could you hold your head up high if you saw God face to face? President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “there would be less selfishness if the saints would attend the temple more regularly” Be faithful to your future husband and wife starting now. Sexual immorality is far to common among those courting or those who are engaged. Your goal should be to make it through your dating years unspotted from immorality. You must approach the alter clean before God and his angels. Don’t believe anyone who tells you that you can repent before you go to the temple, so it doesn’t matter what you do now. Transgressions do not make you a well rounded person. It is far better to prepare and prevent than to repair and repent. Your focus should be on preventing sin, rather than repenting from it! We are deluged with immoral messages from the media. Choose what you take into your mind and body w/care…remember, you are a miraculous creation of God. Ask yourself…do I want to carry around the images from that one bad scene in that pg-13 movie? The answer is simple…No. By saying this…you are being ethical. Our prophets have warned us of the consequences of sexual permissivness(e.g. allowing yourself to view material that would be inappropriate for children…this is my opinion) If you don’t know where you are going…any way will seem right to you. You must educate yourself to become humble…by so doing you will recognize your weaknesses and the spirit will prompt you to take action on those feelings and ideas that you will have. (my opinion…Why is it that some Latter Day Saints feel immune to sexual transgression? They feel secure by just attending church and saying “someday I’ll improve my life…I have great potential) All of us are susceptible if we become careless.
Why must we be clean? Sexual deviations rank in seriousness right next to murder and the sin against the Holy Ghost. It is unwise and sinfull to engage in immoral behavior.
The consequences of immoral behavior are:
1.a loss of the spirit of the Lord
2. A loss of personal peace and happiness
3. A loss of confidence and trust in present and future relationships.
4. A loss in mental, emotional, and perhaps physical health.
5. A possible pregnancy out of wedlock
6. An increase of sexual activity and possible addiction
7. A greater tendancy to excuse involvement in extra-marital affairs
8. A great dissapointment to friends and family and an embarrasment to the church and kingdom of God.
The blessings for remaining chaste:
1. Enjoying peace of mind
2. Spiritual happiness
3. Trust of self and another
4. Freedom of concience
5. Wholeness
6. Purity
7. Strength of character
Personal righteousness to the teachings of Jesus Christ serves as the basis for happiness in life.
If you are engaged and see some serious character flaws(temperment that borders on or is abusive, money management practices that include major amounts of frivolous debt, and spiritual or mental weaknesses, shallow testimony, hypocrisy, or unwillingness to have children, take a job, obtain an education, etc)…please have the courage to break off the engagement.
Avoid a long engagement…no longer than six months. An engagement is not the time to decide if you want to marry…you should not be engaged until you have already decided that you should marry…and you both feel your decision is right…Normally you can plan your wedding in a short amount of time.
Putting on the armor of God. There is help for those who have made mistakes. You need to protect yourself from the destructive influences of the world right now!!!!!!!! Set goals. Take action. Be proactive in improving your life. (my opinion…don’t watch tv,movies, or play video games because it is passive…you are not physicall, mentally, or socially active…these activities distort reality and cause you to not think clearly)
Spirtiual armor protects you from “the destructive influences of the world”(FHE video). (my opinion…Don’t kiss for more than 3 seconds before marriage!…anything beyond that lights your fire within) Do the movies you watch contain suggestive or provocative content? Your goal should be to feel joy and happiness because you have kept the commandments of God.
Ways to put on the armor of God(symbolism)
1. Study the teachings of Jesus Christ
2. Have personal prayer(Gospel Principles…thank Heavenly Father for family, friends, leaders, teachers, the gospel, Jesus Christ, the atonement, health, food, water, shelter, spiritual understanding…Ask for…strength to resist the temptations of satan and his followers…strength to live the gospel…guidance and inspiration in your daily life…spiritual understanding….friends that will help you to live the commandments more fully)
3. Read the scriptures daily….by topic…or ensign…or…study Sunday school or priesthood &relief society lesson. Knowledge is power…principles will lead to happiness.
4. When dating…exercise self-control that will keep you from danger…kissing can be the spark for more serious deviations….President Kimball declared…”kissing has been prostituted and has degenerated to develop and express lust instead of affection, honor, and admiration…what is miss called the soul kiss(French kiss..the kiss on the singles ward was wrong…isn‘t it?) is an abomination and stirs passions to the eventual loss of virtue” Even if timely courtship justifies a kiss, it should be a clean, decent, sexless one. Avoid inappropriate touching…once couple become too familiar w/each other…it is difficult to turn back…among the most common sexual sins our young people commit are necking and petting…necking is contact between unmarried partners from the neck up…and it includes kissing or stroking the other persons hair…petting is unmarried couples touching each other anywhere that would be covered by modest clothing…president Kimball warned of engaging in such activities when he said the following..”immorality does not begin in adultery and perversion…it begins w/little indiscretions like sex thoughts…sex discussion…passionate kissing…petting and such…growing w/every exercise…the small indiscrections seems powerless compared to the sturdy body, the strong mind, the sweet spirit of youth who giveway to the first temptation…but soon…the strong has become weak…the master of the slave…spiritual growth curtailed…
Avoid pornography like the plague…
Buy the book for guidelines for intimacy in marriage…
Building strong relationships through communication…(my opinion…focus on talking about doing good(FHE video)…talk about achieving goals….learn empathy)
(communication should be an exchange of ideas and feelings…e.g. be assertive…“I feel” statements)
You must learn now how to communicate feelings of love…(my opinion…you must change)
(in the book they express communication in a way that hasn’t been said before…focus on what I have said previously)
Don’t let minor disagreements ruin a relationship….contention is of the devil….(don’t use aggressive language such as “you do not help around the house…instead say I feel angry and hurt when you don’t help around the house…you need a change in culture)
(my opinion…Anger is often a result of unmet expectations…..ask yourself…are my expectations realistic? Do I expect more in others than I do in myself? Am I serious about having the right attitude and goals?)
You might want to discuss some expectations you have before marriage, such as: friends, recreation, money management, sexual intimacy, in-law relations, children, housekeeping, religious rituals and practices, job career issues and anything else that you might feel is important. The idea is to learn what you expect of each other in marital and family relations. If you can discuss these issues now and develop a healthy system for dealing w/differences, you will be well on your way to a successful enterprise. Learn what your expectations you have for spousal behavior. The idea is to marry someone who has the skill of empathy. Apply principles of the gospel to your relationships now!! Be empathetic.(buy a book on empathy) Share feelings w/each other in calm rational ways. Take time for talking together now!! Give your friends your full attention when they are talking. *****President David O. McKay cautioned to the church…”No member of this church, husband…father, has the right to utter an oath in his home, or ever to express a cross word to his wife, or to his children” You have to contribute to an ideal home by your character, controlling your passion, your temper, guarding your speech, because those things will determine the atmosphere of your home. Say nothing that will hurt your wife. That will cause her tears, even though she might cause you provocation. Learn to be dignified. None of us has the right to speak anything to each other unless it is positive and edifying. In resolving conflict…follow Lehi’s example to not rebuke, but to comfort. Make today the day that you are committed to living all the commandments of God. Set goals and in an organized way work to achieve them.
The key to resolving problems will require that you live all the commandments of God.
President Spencer W. Kimball gave us a simple formula for resolving marital difficulties:
It is certain that almost any good man or any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price…the formula is simple…
1. There must be the proper approach towards marriage(both parties must come to the alter of marriage having internalized the attitude that they must work hard to attain a successful marriage. All of us have the ability to succeed in marriage, but our success is determined by our choices.)
2. There must be great unselfishness.(don’t satisfy your need for immediate gratification)
3. There must be continued reinforcement of positive lifestyle choices.(we need to be disciplined in order to be successful)
4. There must be complete living of the commandments of the Lord as defined in the gospel of Jesus Christ.
The savior made it clear that we cannot place sufficient in our preparedness lamps by simply avoiding evil. We must be anxiously engaged in a positive program of preparation.(set goals…religious practices…exercise…nutrition…self-reliance…service…financial…commandments)
posted by nathan at
9:28 AM
